Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Cement blocks for feet

I think my body and mind might be at war with each other, and within themselves. I've been getting in better shape, slowly, but every day is still a struggle to get in the gym and to stay in the gym for long enough to get a decent workout.

This is my body: Flabby, out of shape, too big for most of my pants. That is, in a nutshell, both my motivation to work out and a source of my difficulty in working out. I just can't do what I used to.

This is my mind: I know that fitness is important. I know that the health benefits of exercise are innumerable. But I hate working out. If I could afford to go back to dance class, I would. Even though I would suck, because (technical) dance isn't just something you can drop and pick back up again, and even though it would be endlessly frustrating to be so crappy at something I used to be pretty decent at, I'd enjoy it. I wouldn't have a problem working at it. But for now, I've got this whole self-demotivation complex and even thinking about going to the gym is endlessly torturous.

Also? I have this recurring dream. It's that I'm playing soccer, but I'm slower than everyone else. I get the ball, everything seems great, and then all the sudden the ball is too fast for me and I can't keep up. The defense takes it away from me, every time, and I let down my team again. Is this trying to tell me something? I mean, I'm no professional dream analyist, but the most literal interpretation I can think of is that my body is incapable of doing what I want.

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