Dear Facebook,

Let's talk. For one thing, you've gone and made it so that my news feed is full of crap that people write on each others' walls (like I care.) And, so that crap that I write on other people's walls ends up spattered all over everyone's news feed (like they care.) So that's annoying. And it makes me want to write on people's walls less.

But here's what you really need to stop. I've got like 500 "friends" right? How about you create some kind of "people my own age" filter or "people who graduated college" filter so that my news feed isn't full of people younger and funner than me having a grand old time in college, and making me stabby and bitter that I'm a weak-sauce graduate student with no spring break and summer vacation? Why can't you make my news feed instead full of people's updates who are my age and older, with jobs and lives with suck and weekly boredom levels greater than or equal to mine?

I no longer want to read about how people are getting blackout drunk every night of the week. Not because I disapprove; rather, I'm insanely jealous that a) your schedule permits and b) your freaking body permits. Drinking is NOT like riding a bike. You can't take time off and then jump back into college-levels of drinking without your body treating you the next day like rather than drinking the night before, you were actually in a cage match with The Rock (non family friendly version.)

And what's worse? I hate to break it to you kids, but I think I finally unraveled the government conspiracy that had them settle on 21 being the drinking age. Because by you turn 21, you've got about another year and a half of being able to handle drinking like a spritely youth. By the time my summer after graduation is over, nights spent at the bottom of a bottle meant mornings spent trying to find a happy place where there was no light and my whole body didn't hurt. And by giving you only that much time to drink legally before binge drinking turns into a battle of wills with your body, they're really giving you a biological lesson in motivation to not get hammered drunk.

So this wasn't really all about you, Facebook, and I'm sorry for running away with myself like that. But I think you can understand why I'm asking this of you - please stop showing me so much fun. Oh, and you can also stop asking me to reconnect with my elementary school friends. It's precious and all that we're friends on Facebook to begin with, but it's not like we're really planning on striking up a conversation with each other any time soon outside of an (unlikely) reunion.